D Day (or should that be H for Heart Day)

Monday 28th May

14+1

How I got through those final few hours before Loppy's heart scan I will never know.  I was very nervous and quite teary on the Sunday, had a big cry in the morning and just felt anxious all day - but still had quite a resigned 'what will be, will be' kind of attitude.  Tom is so strong and really helps me through all of this; i'd be lost without him.

And so there we were again, pulling up into the car park at St George's hospital in Tooting - except this time, the sun was shining and it was hot and bright; I can't help but feeling that again we were being looked after, it felt enormously different to that lonely, grey, wet day in January that we were last there.

We were there a bit early so sat outside for a drink and then headed to the Fetal Medicine Unit.  We didn't have to wait long thank goodness.  (Although its funny that last time I was there I was wishing that I was one of the other ladies in the waiting room that didn't look so upset)  We were taken to the scanning room and sat expectantly outside.  It was boiling hot and I just wished that it was over.

Nicola, the fetal nurse that was so helpful and lovely last time poked her head around the door and said:

'Hello!'

and I said:

'Do you remember us?'

and she said:

'of course I do, I was so happy to see you on my appointments list' 'You two must be very fertile!'

She understood that I must be very nervous and I had a few tears entering into the same room as before. 

I lay on the scanning bed and just felt the biggest fear and nerves ever.  She found Loppy and we could see  the heart beating.

She was quiet for five or so minutes and the tears were rolling down my face with nerves.  I have never hoped for something so much in my life before.  She probably got about half way and then quite nonchalantly she said,

'are you ok?- everything that I have seen so far looks normal'

It was at this point that I think I relaxed a little bit and maybe even dared to hope that we might be ok and get the all clear.

I'm scared to talk loudly to Tom during these scans - I think it bothers him a bit but I almost want to give the sonnographer the most peace possible so that they are not disturbed.  Loppy was moving around but still seemed pretty chilled out.  Thumb was in mouth and legs crossed in front.  s/he did a bit roll over at one stage which was funny!  Dr Carvahlo finished her assessment and said to us that all the major bits are normal, they are all functioning as they should for 14 weeks, she was happy with the scan and Loppy definitely does not have any major heart defects.

I will say that again...

Loppy. definitely. does. not. have. any. major. heart. defects.

I've wanted to see that in print since that first positive pregnancy tests.

She wants to see us again around 20 weeks and this will be to check for growth and any minor defects that might be there, but she doesn't expect to see anything and in my opinion a minor heart defect is fixable so means that, providing everything else is ok with Loppy, then I'll get to take this baby home and keep them.

So we left St Georges on top of the world, the complete opposite to when we left last time! 

We'd not told anyone when the scan was so that we could deal with it ourselves and not have to worry about everyone else worrying.  so we gave family the good news.  and we could also now tell everyone else (as we'd not really told that many people) so announced the news on facebook and now everyone at work knows too so I feel much happier with that as well.  I can finally begin to look forward to past 20 weeks and enjoy the pregnancy too.  I can continue with my countdown to finishing work (11 weeks - eeeek!) and just knowing that Loppy is still with us makes my heart sing!

Lots of Love

Helen and Healthy-Heart-Loppy

xxx

Nerves

Thursday 24th May
13+5

I'm getting really nervous about Monday, its going to be such a strange feeling walking back into the hospital and re-living all of the feelings.  I know I said I wouldn't mention Sparty anymore in this blog but I can't really talk about Monday without mentioning him.  This was his final destination.  I know that I cannot think like this but its hard not too and these thoughts keep popping into my head.  Its going to be a tough appointment. Me and my amazing husband will get through this like we have every other hurdle that we have faced and it's never going to get any worse than what we faced before.  This is what I have to keep telling myself......new baby, new sperm, new egg!

I'm also apprehensive that these might be my last few hours with Loppy, and I know that I'm probably being silly again but I'm concious that it might be.  I want to try and enjoy this weekend and face Monday with a positive attitude.  There is nothing that I can do now and I just have to take it on.

Our downs results came back today, and our risk is 1:1630 which is really good.  It is. Its only because my risk last time was 1:31,000 that it seems much higher.  The usual risk for a 32 year old is 1:750 so it is really good.

Sorry for the very negative blog today.  The usual service will hopefully be resumed next week.

So onto Monday..... Wish me luck guys.

Helen and Loppy
x x

Happy Due Date Sparty

Sunday 20th May


Happy Due Date Sparty - Mummy and Daddy will  love and miss you forever. xx


You’re my amazing first born baby and nothing will ever take that away from me. All we ever did was love you and we saved you from a lifetime of hurt and pain and then you gave us Loppy - thank you!
Mummy xx


I'm going to stop the Sparty messages on this blog now.  It feels like the right time to do it.  Sparty’s story cannot be the focus of Loppy’s life as it’s just not fair on any of us.


Sometimes, the best way to protect your heart is to open it to love  and that is what I'm going to do with Loppy, for Loppy and for Sparty.

Helen xx

Someone wants to say HELLO!

Friday 18th May
Loppy 12+5


So our 12 week scan showed a perfect little Loppy measuring one day less than before (due date now on Nanny Elliott’s birthday 25th November) and a perfectly chilled out little baby!

If you look closely you can see that our little baby is smiling!

I was pretty nervous but certainly not overly so, and the sonnographer found the heartbeat straight away.  Loppy was very chilled out and not manically moving about like Sparty was.  There were some movements of hand to mouth and he turned over a few times.  I had to cough to get him to move up so that she could do the neck measurement but apart from that he was behaving!


Notice that i’m still saying ‘he’ well we don’t know the gender and we’re not going to find out but I’m leaning towards a girl - just because of the vast differences between pregnancies and between babies.
I loved seeing my baby on the screen, you could totally tell that it’s a different baby too - I know that sounds weird but who would have thought that the scans do look different!


The scan didn’t take long at all as Loppy was so well behaved and quiet.  I especially liked seeing the toes and fingers,hands, wrists etc.. very clearly defined.


The NT measurment came out just 1mm more than Sparty at 1.4mm so hopefully that will mean my downsyndrome risk will be low again.  I should get the results by post next week. (phone, please don’t ring!)


Our next scan is just 10 days away now and i’m a little in the dark about it all actually.  I very much doubt that they’ll sign us off after 14 weeks but I wonder how much they’ll actually be able to see at that stage?  I’m hoping that they’ll be able to at least give us good news - wait and see I guess.


That's the main news really.  Other than i’m still really sick, its gotten worse over the last few weeks again and i’ve been sick numerous times now.  I still don’t think as bad as before but maybe i’m just more used to it now more than ever.  I’m hoping that it will go away by 16 weeks like last time (although nothing has been the same with this one so who knows)


I think that i’m less tired now (bedtime around 9:30 not 8pm!) but my uterus is still on my bladder as the constant need to wee is still there.  The uterus should start to move upwards in the next few weeks so hopefully that symptom will ease soon.


I’ll report back soon.  I’m on the 3 month countdown with work now too!


Love Helen and Loppy
x x x

Sadness

Monday 14th May
Loppy 12+1

I wanted to write a little bit about how sad I've been this weekend.  A combination of a tough few weeks coming up coupled with darling Sparty’s due date on Sunday.  I had a good cry with Tom yesterday and feel a little better today but there is still a underlying sadness in my heart as I get past this milestone.  Sometimes I dearly wish that Loppy was Sparty and then I feel guilty because I love Loppy too.  They couldn’t have existed together which is a hard thing to accept.


I miss Sparty so very much and its funny because everything that I miss- I've got again - I'm pregnant again, feeling much the same as before, so why do I still miss him?  I miss what would have been, how much I looked forward to holding him and loving him.  I don’t like the fact that all my innocence has gone and I now have to get used to people asking me ‘is this your first’ and I have to say ‘Yes’ - when Its not.  I now have a massive hole in my heart, some really dreadful memories and a little boy in heaven :-(


BUT I have to stay positive, I have to think just how lucky I am that Loppy came along so quickly - a gift from Sparty I’m sure.  Loppy will be loved so much as a beautiful rainbow baby and they will be the most special baby.  I would have been much more sad if Loppy wasn’t busy growing inside me and Loppy has helped me heal so much.


There is no denying that i’m worried about the next few weeks.  I can’t imagine getting the all clear and finally relaxing and actually feeling like I might get a take-home baby at the end of all this, I have less than 50 hours until the 12 week scan - another hurdle for us to get through -
- but we will get through it


Helen and Loppy
xxx


* maybe you were needed up there Sparty, but we're still unaware as why*

and so the sickness begins....

Wednesday 9th May
Loppy 11+4


The last few days/week has seen the nausea kick in  - bluegh and double bleugh.  I’d not quite forgotten how dreadful it feels but it does hit you in massive waves and make you feel generally very shitty.  I’m still not throwing up as much as I did with Sparty but I think I'm a bit more in control this time, I’ve still had vomiting in the Walton-on-Thames car park and a few near misses with mealtimes etc.  I’m just concentrating on the end point that this WILL end soon (hopefully)  


Apart from the main symptoms of nausea and the continuing tiredness, things have been relatively good.  Other smaller  symptoms include slight food aversions and very hungry a lot of the time, a growing tummy and generally feeling very fat, my tummy has been a bit itchy, sore boobs, sore back when in same position for long periods and I think that’s it at the moment......!


We've now told our immediate family and some friends.  We’ve told them slightly earlier than you are ‘supposed’ to but this for two reasons 1) we happened to be seeing both sets of parents at 10 and 11 weeks, and at Sarah’s wedding at 11 weeks too, and my growing baby bump and all-round ‘roundness’ meant that it was impossible to hide and keep secret without it being extremely uncomfortable or some extreme stealth! and 2) This time round it felt more deceptive not to tell people earlier, I think because of the support that we got with Sparty and everything that we’ve been through, it felt more wrong not telling people - if that makes sense.


We’ll not be announcing it on Facebook or telling extended family or friends until after we have the all clear from St Georges (or indeed St Peter’s)  I hope we get there now - not too long to wait, although it feels like a lifetime at the moment.


So we have our 12 week scan next week and our 16 week heart scan at the end of the month - its going to be a nervous and potentially emotional few weeks.  I simply cannot wait until I can begin to look forward to this and enjoy the coming months ahead.


Stay healthy darling Loppy - Mummy and Daddy cannot wait to meet you in the not-so-distant future.


Helen and Loppy

xx


* Sparty: Conceived with Love, you grew with love and we let you go with love*

Booking In

Monday 23rd April
Loppy 9+3


Had my booking in appointment with the midwife, which, when looking back was pretty boringly normal - yay!


She was a nice lady, very practical, just there to tick the boxes and complete the forms really.  She wasn’t particularly sympathetic when I told her about Sparty but that hasn’t bothered me too much really (just a slight niggle of annoyance - I don’t want him to be forgotten in this new journey)
Bloods (owchy) and urine taken and checked and now have my green book which feels really nice and familiar.  Hopefully I’ll get to see all of the pages filled out this time.


Other things to report is that I've hit a new level of tiredness now - its definitely been worse this time round, sometimes I can barely function past about 5pm - I start to feel quite ill.  Its annoying because it means that I’m not spending that much time with Tom as i’d like, and as we’re both really quite busy with work as well, its just not conducive to seeing each other and spending time with one another.  
My nausea is beginning to get worse, still not in the same league as before, and i’ve only been sick a couple of times, but its there in the background and is worse when i’m tired.


I’ve also had a couple more nosebleeds - I know its normal but really is an inconvenience when I'm on the train!


I’ve also been wondering and thinking more and more about when we’ll have the all clear.  We’re not sure if they’ll be able to see enough at 14  weeks to give us the all clear, but I really hope that they might be able to (please god!) Its going to be amazing to be just in a normal pregnancy and knowing that as far as they can tell, everything is ok.


Roll on 12 weeks please....!


Helen  and Loppy
xx

8 Week Reassurance Scan

Wednesday 18th April: 8 Week Scan
Loppy 8+4
Stupidly nervous, heartbreaking memories of my last scan at St Peter’s but all was ok!  I’ve been dated at 8+4 and Loppy was there on the screen, his little heart beating away and some tiny movements starting too.  The wait before we got called in was minimal and its another hurdle overcome  in this long journey to my take home rainbow baby.
Helen and Lopppy
x

Urgh!

Tuesday 10th April
Loppy 7+1
Big Fat Nosebleed - bleugh.  Apparently quite common in pregnancy.
Helen and Loppy
x

Lots of Easter Chocolate

Easter Monday 9th April
Loppy 7+0


My pregnancy so far has been pretty uneventful, mild queasiness has begun but no where near how bad it was with Sparty, I actually cannot remember when it began to get really bad, I know that I felt sick at 6 weeks but don’t know if I'm more used to it and better at dealing with it now than I was back then, or if I'm just less sick this time - who knows!  I’ve had no bleeding at all which is just lovely - although I'm still on toilet paper watch every single time - crazy woman!   Fingers crossed that the rest of the 33 weeks goes on as uneventful and normal!  Compared to last time, I've been wondering if there is anything actually there! Maybe my body just knows what to do this time round.


So I'm not sure why, I guess because I've not been having any obvious signs, but on a whim me and Tom decided to book a private early scan.  Tom returned from skiing on the Sunday and I thought that it might be a nice thing for us to do.  There was a BabyBond in Wimbledon offering the early scan for the Monday so we booked it.  Potentially this could have been a bloody disaster if it had been bad news, but then again, it would always be a disaster no matter what day we found out on.


For this scan, I had to have a full bladder, so I was told to drink a pint of water an hour before, it didn’t help that the sonnographer was about 10 minutes late - I was ready to burst!  
Our last set of scans were simply horrendous so it was with great trepidation that I lay there as the gel was squeezed onto my tummy.  We dealt with the ‘is this your first pregnancy?’ question with ease, we’ll have to get used to that one I think.  


I had forgotten how amazing scans can be.  Straight away the nice lady said that she could see something there and could see a flicker!  When she zoomed in - there was Loppy!  The little heart beating away at 140bpm.  She even turned the heartbeat on so we could hear it.  Hopefully the little heart we heard this time is perfect.  We will keep everything crossed for that.


Loppy was measuring exactly 7 weeks so is growing perfectly normal.  (NORMAL - such a nice word!!)  She said that he was in the right place and everything looked fine.  I couldn’t keep the grin from my face.  
We celebrated by returning to one of the first places me and Tom had a date;  Bayee Village in Wimbledon Village  - we had a gorgeous Chinese there - made even tastier knowing that Loppy was enjoying it too!  


Tom seems a lot more connected to Loppy - he’s not well at the moment so maybe he’s a bit more emotional.  There is a lot riding on Loppy - if this is our take home rainbow baby then its going to get double the love from us and will be such a special child.  


It feels like this is one hurdle over with and so we are celebrating each milestone. We have our NHS scan in 10 days.


Love Helen and Loppy


* Sparty - my gorgous baby boy who I will love and miss forever*

C’est la vie

Weeks 4 and 5
Loppy 5+0

Not much to report in weeks 4 and 5.  I’ve had some mild nausea but no actual sickness.  I’ve been feeling really quite hungry and my stomach feels empty when I am.  I recognise this symptom from last time.  I’ve been having lots of pulling and stretching in my uterus.  Some sharp pains and stitch line twinges, so stuff is moving around in there!


I've used the digital test twice since the first time to get my 2-3 and then today my 3+ .  I am not sure how accurate they are, but for me it is reassuring to see my levels going up, its really the only thing that can tell you than things are progressing.  


I'm feeling ok mentally at the moment, the only thing that is frightening me is if anything was to go wrong.  Its impossible for me to detach myself and I'm trying so hard to take it one day at a time and not think too far ahead - its hard though and I am worried that if something was to go wrong, then how would I cope?  I know that I’ll have to though, really I have no choice.  Something that does reassure me is that there is nothing that I can do about it.  If it goes wrong then so be it.  I also know that I can’t take anything for granted so have to enjoy each step of the way, until I have my baby in my arms. (and then a whole new can of worrying will be opened!)


I have the doctors appointment on Wednesday 28th March and then just have to wait to see the midwife around 8 weeks and I’ll be getting a reassurance scan around then too, hopefully on the NHS.
Love Helen and Embryo Loppy


xx


*Sparty always in my heart; I would rather go through a lifetime of suffering than have let you suffer for one minute of yours*

Someone is looking over us

Blastocyst Brian (3+4)


I lost Sparty on January 20th, I won’t go into any detail here as it’s too painful, suffice to say that my next period started exactly 28 days later on Feb 20th, During this first cycle we had a lovely holiday to Gran Canaria to relax and start to get ‘me’ back again.  Someone was watching over us I think as it was here that Loppy was conceived, on our first month of trying! (Our hotel was called Lopesan Baobab- hence Loppy)


The week before my period was due (my first week back at work) I got a few period pains, I thought they were really quite similar to the cramps that I had before I found out I was pregnant last time, but to be honest, I put this down to wishful thinking as it was so long ago that I last had a proper period that I didn’t really remember what it felt like in the week before anyway.


I had some red blood at 9 days past ovulation (DPO) in the morning, which tailed to a tiny amount of brown on 10DPO (might have been implantation spotting maybe) and on 10DPO I also had quite a severe bout of diarrhoea.  This was another sign that made me think, as I’d had exactly that with Sparty, for no apparent reason (nothing I’d eaten or done, didn’t feel ill or any other symptoms)


I was planning to wait until the Saturday morning to test, being a non-work day but I caved and actually tested on Thursday at 11DPO in the evening after work.  Really stupid as I’d only held  for 90 mins so it was negative. Again,  I couldn’t wait until Saturday, so on Friday afternoon, after a 4 hour hold at work, I came home and tested.  

I started with an internet cheapy test – this time I did the test in the bathroom and left the room whilst I timed for 5 mins, usually I watch them but didn’t for some reason.  After 5 mins I could see a very faint something on the test!  - I’ve done a few of these tests in the last 10 months so I know what stark white looks like versus something on there, and with Sparty, we’d also seen a little something on the test  so I knew what to look out for.  

It was time to dig out the more expensive First Response Early Result!

I did the same and didn’t look at the test until the three mins was up – and there it was!  A Very Clear Line! I’m pregnant!!

Not satisfied with this one, I then did a digital – there is something a bit more satisfying about seeing the words ‘Pregnant’ come up on the monitor, and I wanted Tom to be 100% sure like I was (I don’t think guys ‘get’ that a line is a line, no matter how faint) – sure enough, after what seemed like way more than 5 mins – that beautiful word appeared in the window, followed by 1-2.

I rang Tom to see where he was; thankfully he was only 15 mins away, so, with difficulty, I held the news in until he got home.  He was really pleased when I told him and we had Chinese to celebrate.  I think he was mostly pleased that his sperm had been so effective!  (BOOM!) We didn’t go out this time as it had been a really long week at work (at which I’m struggling at the moment) Once again, I didn’t sleep a wink that night – too many thoughts going round and round my head.

My due date is Monday 26th November and I’m really hoping that Blastocyst Brian, Loppy, our potential rainbow baby is sticky, grows in the right way, and gets comfy in there until November.  I’d really like to take this baby home.

I’m not sure how much I’m going to mention Sparty in this blog.  I’ll just write whatever feels ok.  I know it’s ridiculous but I feel like he’s involved with this pregnancy somehow.  He’ll always be my first born baby, and never in a million years will I forget him, how much he has brought to my life and how he’s making me a stronger person and me and Tom as strong couple.    I know that a lot of the innocence has been taken away from me with this pregnancy  and that there is going to be a whole lot more worry about different things (from all our family and friends too)  but so far I’m feeling ok about it all at the moment.  I’m not feeling guilty and I know that this is a brand new egg and sperm and therefore a completely new pregnancy.   My fears at the moment are the same as any other newly pregnant girl, one of the unknown and of course the risk of miscarriage.

One day at a time and I’ll get there.  It’s going to be a long road with a few more hurdles to get through than last time but I feel like the light has come back into my eyes.


Helen and Blastocyst Brian

* Big Brother Sparty - please keep your little brother or sister safe inside your home that you left too quickly, Loppy will never replace you and will be the luckiest person alive to have their own guardian angel watching over them*