Sadness

Monday 14th May
Loppy 12+1

I wanted to write a little bit about how sad I've been this weekend.  A combination of a tough few weeks coming up coupled with darling Sparty’s due date on Sunday.  I had a good cry with Tom yesterday and feel a little better today but there is still a underlying sadness in my heart as I get past this milestone.  Sometimes I dearly wish that Loppy was Sparty and then I feel guilty because I love Loppy too.  They couldn’t have existed together which is a hard thing to accept.


I miss Sparty so very much and its funny because everything that I miss- I've got again - I'm pregnant again, feeling much the same as before, so why do I still miss him?  I miss what would have been, how much I looked forward to holding him and loving him.  I don’t like the fact that all my innocence has gone and I now have to get used to people asking me ‘is this your first’ and I have to say ‘Yes’ - when Its not.  I now have a massive hole in my heart, some really dreadful memories and a little boy in heaven :-(


BUT I have to stay positive, I have to think just how lucky I am that Loppy came along so quickly - a gift from Sparty I’m sure.  Loppy will be loved so much as a beautiful rainbow baby and they will be the most special baby.  I would have been much more sad if Loppy wasn’t busy growing inside me and Loppy has helped me heal so much.


There is no denying that i’m worried about the next few weeks.  I can’t imagine getting the all clear and finally relaxing and actually feeling like I might get a take-home baby at the end of all this, I have less than 50 hours until the 12 week scan - another hurdle for us to get through -
- but we will get through it


Helen and Loppy
xxx


* maybe you were needed up there Sparty, but we're still unaware as why*